My college offered a class called Group Dynamics. As the name implies, it was the study of behavior of individuals, while in a group. I never took the class, but several members of my sorority did. Our Monday evening meetings were essentially their homework.

If you spoke in the meeting, you would notice them taking notes and wonder, ‘what are they writing about me?’ Did I talk too much? Was I dominating the discussion? What were they writing?

In the past few years, I have become my own group dynamics student, and by group, I mean whenever I talk with any one or more persons. I have begun studying these conversations, because I sometimes had this pervasive feeling of loneliness, despite spending time with someone. There was a hollowness. I didn’t feel connected.

This didn’t happen all the time. Sometimes, I would have lunch with someone or even have an exchange with someone, while I was walking my dog, and I would feel connection. What was the difference? How could I spend a day or even a weekend with one person and yet still feel lonely, but briefly spending time with another person would fill my cup?

Thus, my group dynamics experiment began, and I think I have found my conclusion:

The answer was in the preposition list my middle school teacher, Mr. Talpass, made us memorize. We always use the same preposition with the word “conversation.” We say we talked “with” someone. We had a conversation “with” our coworker. We say “with” when more appropriate prepositions would apply. Let’s take a look:

AT (We talked AT someone, or they talked AT us)

If you are a good listener, you’ll have many conversations directed AT you. There are people who, I don’t know if it is because of narcissism or maybe anxiety or loneliness, talk AT people.

They are looking only for maybe some nods of agreement or some, “wow” or “good for you” responses. If you try and interject or change the subject, they will go right back to talking AT you following what they might consider a rude interruption.

I think there are some people who talk AT you, because they feel you probably don’t have much to say. They might think of themselves as bringing all the energy to the interaction. Having someone talk at you does not feel like connection. One of my friend’s said it best, when he said, “I saw Myrna, and she threw up all over me.” That’s what being talked AT can feel like.

ALONG/ASIDE CONVERSATIONS (I tell my story and then you tell yours.)

These conversations can be exhausting. They have definitely become more prevalent as I have gotten older, probably because we all have so many more experiences to share.

ALONG/ASIDE conversations are comprised of one story I share, which reminds you of a story that you then share, which will then remind me of another story I will then share, and so on and so on. There is no reaction or follow up questions. Each person just launches into the next story, usually with the preface of “that reminds me of…” It’s as though there is an unspoken question at the end of each person’s story, “Tell me how that relates to you.”

ALONG/ASIDE conversations are terrible for people going through loss or who have been through a trauma. A friend’s daughter just had a very traumatic birth where her life was in jeopardy. When this friend has shared what was the most difficult time, in her life, with others, they have then told her a story about another woman they knew or heard of, who went through something similar, as though you can compare, “I almost lost my child” stories.

You hear it all the time when someone has lost their precious pet. Everyone wants to share the story of when their precious pet died. That isn’t empathy. It just isn’t. I didn’t realize this myself and would launch into a story about losing one of my beloved dogs when you told me your dog died.

I have since learned this is about me kind of hijacking your grief, telling you about mine and centering myself. As one friend said, “for that person, on that day, theirs is the only dog that ever died. Give them that time.”

OF CONVERSATIONS (I know of someone….)

These conversations I really can’t make sense of at all. They are similar to the along conversations, but they introduce so many irrelevant characters.

Here is an example:

Let’s say your sweet son, Johnny, is super smart and just got accepted to Harvard. One would think the appropriate response is, “Congratulations! What an accomplishment!” The OF conversation person doesn’t say that. They explain to you that their sister-in-law’s second cousin’s, best friend’s dentist, also has a child who was just accepted to Harvard.

This person has a vast network of people who know people who know people. No matter what you say, they know someone who knows someone with a comparable experience. It is difficult to foster connection with the OF person.

BEFORE CONVERSATIONS (Remember before….?)

Conversation with the before person is distinct, because it is marked by what used to be. Maybe they were the star of their high school football team and want to relive their glory days. They may have once had an important role and now feel the most interesting part about them is in the past. There is just lots of talk about the past, which can make it difficult to connect in the present.

I see this sometimes with my sons. I will tell them a cute story about when they were little, and they will sometimes look at me and try to smile or say something nice, but the memory doesn’t trigger connection. They want me to connect with their current selves not their toddler selves.

ABOUT CONVERSATIONS (About other people, marriages, children, careers, etc.)

Let me be honest here, in the past, if someone wanted to whisper in my ear some gossip about someone, I leaned in so I could listen better. Life has had its way with me and with most people past the age of fifty. You become more empathetic, compassionate and kind. Gossip just doesn’t feel right, and it makes you wonder what the gossiper says about you when you aren’t around. It definitely doesn’t build connection.

WITH and BETWEEN (Striking Gold)

For me, these are the life affirming conversations. The person listening to you makes you feel felt. You feel seen and heard. You, as the listener, get to play the same role. You make the other person feel seen and heard. They feel felt. I’m convinced, having these conversations makes your heartbeat happier.

A real clue about whether you are having these conversations is to do a little “group dynamics” examination of them. Do you know as much about what is going in their life as they know what is going on in yours? Better yet, do you know how they feel about things? Do they know how you feel about things? Did the conversation seemed balanced, or was one person doing most of the listening? Did you ask questions? Did they?

Example:

Your friend says, “In two weeks, my youngest is leaving for college.”

You respond, “how are you feeling about that?

Other less connected responses might be, “I remember when my youngest went to college” or, “my dentist’s cousin’s sister just got into Harvard,” or “I loved college, my favorite thing from college was…”

It’s really about how you feel after a conversation than the actual conversation. When you spend time with someone, and there is a conversation connecting you, your cup runneth over. It is a physical sensation even more than a mental one.

If these WITH and BETWEEN conversations are the most optimal for true connection, how do we achieve them? Of course, we have to hold up our end and be a WITH and BETWEEN person ourselves. But how can we engage others in this type of dialogue? If we are with an AT person or an ALONG person, how do we get them on this more connected course?

I am asking, because I am really not sure. I find myself separating from the people who have these conversations, especially the AT ones, where I know everything about them, and they see me as just a giant ear. I know that isn’t the healthiest response. Personally, I haven’t found a polite way to say, “can you stop talking about yourself so much?”

It is difficult, once you do get some relationships where the conversations are WITH and BETWEEN to allow yourself to be thrown up on again, by an AT person. You just want different conversations or to spend time alone. Time alone seems better than being with someone who makes you feel alone.