I had a beloved aunt who, late in her life, lost a loved one, and that loss devastated her. It was a punch from which she never recovered. We lived in different states and would often talk by phone. I tried so many things to lift her spirits, but her sadness was too profound.

When I encouraged her to get out, volunteer, meet people or join the red hat ladies, she always had the same response: “I’m just not a joiner,” she would say.

I didn’t know how to work with that. Not a joiner? Like ever? Did she start out like that? I couldn’t imagine that this charming, warm, funny, charismatic lady wasn’t a joiner. Are there two types of people – joiners and not joiners?

I’m a perpetual joiner. I’ll join anything. To give you some examples of my joining efforts, these are some of the attempts, in addition to working, I made to make new friends:

Yoga, Pilates, Pure Barre, The Y

Intensive Spanish classes

Graduate school

Golf

Tennis

Rowing

Volunteering at several nonprofits and my sons’ schools

Multiple book clubs

A writing group

Bridge

Walking groups

Bible studies

I’m sure there are more things, but that’s off the top of my head. If there is a group meeting somewhere, sign me up. Does it always work out and I make tons of friends? No, but that might have more to do with me. I like me, and hopefully you do too, but apparently not everyone does.

When my kids were in elementary school, we were trying to recruit new members for our PTA. It always seemed to be the same people doing everything. I was searching for “ways to recruit PTA members” and came across an article about how there is real trepidation, specifically for women, about joining women’s groups because of previous experiences with mean girls.

I get that. Mean girls definitely do their damage, but I wonder if statistically these mean girls are the majority or minority of the girls in most peoples’ lives. There was one mean girl I knew in middle school who was mean enough for an army, so I guess even if it’s only one, the damage can be great.

I share all this, because like my aunt, I have two sons who are not joiners. They too are charming, smart, funny and kind. Like so many people, they work from home. They go to their respective gyms and to their apartments. “Your world is too small,” I tell them.

Their response to my controlling ways is always the same – “I’m good.” But are they? I wonder, or I should say, I worry. I worry, because my twenties were filled with memories of going out with the people I worked with at the time. Our friendships developed at work and led to great weekends going out together.

My husband and I encouraged them to go into their offices. Thad works for one of the largest companies in the world, and they have a huge office campus. After much prodding, he finally went into the office. He sent us a video of rows and rows of empty cubicles and walls of empty offices. He was the only one there for as far as the eye could see. Everyone was working remotely.

Ethan’s first real job started towards the end of the pandemic. It was with a large, publicly traded company. Even though he could work remotely, he thought it would be a good idea to go into the office. After he had been there a few months, I recommended, because I like to recommend things, that he start packing a lunch instead of eating out every day.

Ethan said, “I don’t pay for lunch. They provide it.” By “they” he meant the CEO. He and the CEO were the only people going into the office every day. He said the CEO came to his desk every day to say “Good morning” and shake his hand, and he always bought Ethan’s lunch. Ethan thought that was perfectly normal. It was his first job. What did he know?

In addition to worrying about my kids, I worry about yours and all the others who are working remotely, going to the gym and then back to their apartments. We live in an area with tons of companies who let their employees work from home. Young people are used to that and think it’s ideal.

I used to belong to a gym with lots of 20-somethings. When companies were starting to make employees return to the office, many of them said they would change jobs if that was required and work for a company that didn’t make them go into an office.

I get how this could work out for the joiners. They would find a softball league or book club or join a meetup. What about the nonjoiners? Can you be a happy nonjoiner? This joiner really wants to know. I keep pushing ideas on my sons and telling them about bowling leagues and kickball teams and cooking classes. “All your future friends are there!” I enthusiastically tell them.

Should I trust they really are good? Something makes me think none of them are. At least not in the way we were when joining came naturally. You went to work, and the friendships flowed from there.