My title, “I’d rather hate a man than be disappointed in him,” comes from my dear friend, Lenora. Actually, it comes from her daddy.

Growing up in the Northeast, my experience was, children called their fathers “daddy” up to a certain age and then transitioned to dad. For many of my Southern friends, they call their father daddy all their life. There is something really endearing about hearing a grown man say, “Daddy and I went fishing last weekend.”

I used to work with Lenora, and she had one clever saying after another. I kept a file of them on my phone. That file and my pictures prior to 2011 have disappeared from the cloud, and I miss both terribly. This one though, about disappointment, was seared into my brain the moment she said it. There is so much truth in it, and yet I find it perplexing. Could disappointment actually be worse than hate?

I have been thinking about this for years, as I have processed various disappointments in my life. Most recently though, I have been the “disapointer,” and the expression has taken on greater nuance for me. Previously, as the “disapointee,” I understood the pain, the pit in my stomach feeling when someone did something that left me hurt, questioning and feeling sad.

As the disapointer, (and believe me, I know I have disappointed people in the past, I am focusing on my most recent event here,) I can see and feel the other layers here, which have led me to better understand the unique awfulness of disappointment.

Let’s begin with the word itself. It is fairly easy to break down, the suffix dis means apart. In looking up a more thorough definition, I see it also means “to have a negative or reversing force.” Appointment is an assignment. In our relationships, we assign roles – acquaintance, friend, family member, etc.

When a disappointment occurs, there is a fracture. Someone you appointed to a lofty position in your life, a good friend or a close family member, has done something hurtful, and in doing so, has negatively impacted the relationship.

Disappointment is the dumpster fire of relationships. The disapointee is terribly hurt. The relationship might be severed, and of course, that creates a loss for the disapointer. Lenora’s daddy was right, hate is much simpler.

How does one move forward after disappointment?
The quickest and easiest way is to count your losses and move on. The person will no longer be appointed to a special relationship in your life. There is too much damage, or the relationship was not quite as valuable as you thought, so you wash your hands of it.

Maybe the disappointment turns to hate. You trusted someone and they betrayed you, so you move into disappointment, stay there a couple weeks, decide the hurt is too much, so you move onto hate.

Maybe they didn’t show up for you at an important time in your life. You can no longer count them as part of your inner circle, because if someone like that is in your inner circle, you have a pretty sucky inner circle. In that case, their crime was of omission. It’s what they didn’t do that hurt you. Do you abandon the relationship or lower their appointment in your life? Maybe they aren’t a good friend anymore but more of a friendly acquaintance?

It’s complicated this disappointment stuff.

There is a special French word though that might help. It is “rapprochement.” It was mostly used in international relations. Countries would be at war, and then there would be rapprochement. The easiest definition is, “the reestablishment of a happy relationship or arrangement.”

It’s very important in parenting. If your child does something they shouldn’t, and they come to you and say they are sorry, it is imperative that you accept their apology and heal the fracture in the relationship and achieve rapprochement. Not accepting this from your child has so many negative consequences, and I am not trained to offer all of them.

Today, however, we are talking about adult relationships that have been fractured by disappointment. How do we achieve rapprochement?

I imagine the obvious beginning is a sincere apology. It can’t include any excuses for what you did. “I hurt you, and I am sorry,” is a very good beginning. A wise woman I know said, “an apology never includes a “but.” “I’m sorry, but I was busy,” “I’m sorry, but I didn’t think it meant that much to you,” etc. are not apologies.

Following the apology, it might be good to look for a remedy if there is one. It’s so tough. Again, this is what makes disappointment so challenging.

It seems there would have to be understanding on the part of the disapointer, that they might be appointed to a lesser role if the relationship does continue. There are consequences to our actions. In the case of disappointment, I would think it almost unnatural to go right back to the way things were. A rebuilding would be needed.

Time, context and compassion have helped me. As years go by, most hurts lessen. It’s the wonderful part of being human. Time does diminish pain. Context helps too. Saying, “we were young,” explains so much bad behavior, doesn’t it?

Compassion has to grow organically. You can’t rush it. Life takes turns that just soften you. Your own humanity sometimes shows its ugly side and gives you a better understanding of everyone else and their ugly sides. You see the wholeness of the person over any one individual act. It takes time though.

I am reminded of The Avett Brothers beautiful song, “No hard feelings.” If you haven’t heard it, it’s worth a listen. It is about when we come to our end. His wish, and my wish for both you and me, is that we let go of our old angers and disappointments and have no hard feelings.

I have two friends who are going through cancer treatments now, and their posts on social media reflect this same sentiment. There really is only love. Love and forgiveness. Over and over again. No hard feelings.

When the jealousy fades away
And it’s ash and dust for cash and lust
And it’s just hallelujah
And love in thought, love in the words
Love in the songs they sing in the church
And no hard feelings

Lord knows, they haven’t done much good for anyone
Kept me afraid and cold
With so much to have and hold

-The Avett Brothers