I am an advice collector, and I especially appreciate words of comfort during troubling times. Since the terrorist attacks in Israel on October 7^th, the times have been incredibly turbulent. While I remain safe and comfortable in North Carolina, my heart is heavy for those in the Middle East who are separated from their families or grieving the loss of a loved one.

There are no answers, no explanations and nothing will make it okay. There are some things that can help, or at least, they have helped me. Below is my collection of go to coping mechanisms when the sadness is too much to bear.

The Man from Maui

When we were in our 20’s, the company where my husband worked, hosted an annual incentive trip employees could win for themselves and a guest. One year, we went to an amazing resort in Maui. All of our expenses were paid, so many of us got daily massages, facials and any number of other spa treatments.

Every day, while sitting around the resort pool, there was one consistent topic: the age of one of the masseuses at the spa. Nobody could believe how old he was. Every day, I heard about this man and how he looked so much younger than his age. “It’s unbelievable!” they would say. One saw his driver’s license and could verify it was true.

I would ask how old he was and how old he actually looked. Everyone said, “No, you have to see him and then find out. If we tell you, you won’t be as shocked.” I kept requesting him for a massage, but he was always booked. I did finally meet him in the lobby of the spa and told him his youthful appearance was all anyone could talk about.

I asked him his age. He challenged me to guess it.  I said “Maybe early 40’s.” Everyone was right. I was completely shocked. Of course, my next question was, “What’s your secret?” His answer has stayed with me and has definitely been in my thoughts these past few weeks.

“I don’t watch the news or read a newspaper,” he said. He then explained he felt we were all going to experience some sadness, disappointment and heartache in our lives. Our bodies are specially equipped to deal with our own unique challenges, he said and if you had any empathy, learning about the suffering of others, especially those you can’t help, is bad for your mind and body.

At the time, I worked for a PBS and NPR affiliate. I had been a news junkie for years. While I completely understood what he was saying – if you are a regular NPR listener, you will probably find yourself crying as you listen to a story here and there, I didn’t think I could give up the news.

Once I was home, I did try a news fast. He was right about the peace of staying inside your own little bubble. I wasn’t learning about the suffering throughout the world or in my own backyard. These past few weeks, I have had to take an occasional news fast. My brain was looping with sad stories, and I wasn’t productive at all.  That doesn’t help anybody. It’s okay to step away for a day and take care of yourself.

Bearing Witness

On the opposite side of the spectrum was an author, Elizabeth Edwards, who I saw at a reading. She had written about the death of her son. Someone in the audience stood to ask a question and shared they too had lost a son. Elizabeth asked, “What was his name?” The woman answered, and then this moment happened that even now, blows me away.

Elizabeth then said, “Let’s all take a moment of quiet right now. I want you to feel all of us bearing witness to your pain.” The room fell silent. We were a roomful of strangers. The woman was standing among all of us who were seated. You could have heard a pin drop. Then, her tears came. You could hear the quiver of her breath in the room. Then, our tears came.

All of us, and it was a big crowd, were absorbing and supporting her pain. She had been building a monument of pain, brick by brick, all by herself. In that moment, we each grabbed a handful of bricks and helped her carry them up that hill. Bearing witness is a powerful connector. My soul felt it.

Reach Out

I’ve mentioned I have had several friends who are therapists. They always have the best questions. When I have no idea what to say but want to show support, they have taught me my favorite question: “What is this like for you?” If you aren’t sure what to say, you could just say, “I keep watching and reading the news, thinking of you and wondering, what is this like for you?”

The silence of not saying anything can be deafening to those who are hurting right now. I have several friends affected by events in the Middle East, who are deeply suffering. They are very scared. A simple, “I’m sorry” means so much.

Go micro

If you aren’t in a position to help those on the ground, you too might find that really small caring acts can be your own unique offering to the world. Star Wars and Harry Potter resonate so much with us because they are the fictionalized stories of good and evil.

You could call it our collective consciousness or cite verses from religious texts, but somewhere deep within us, we feel an understanding of the presence of both good and evil. We can each make our little extra effort to add points to the good team with small gestures of kindness.

Hold the door, resist honking, don’t say the unkind thing, put the grocery cart away in the parking lot, exercise more patience than you thought you had. Be like Harry, Hermione, Luke or Leah. If we can’t create peace in another part of the world, we can at least try to cultivate more of it here.

Go Macro

Look at the moon. Every night, we get the abiding presence of this brilliant orbital light. Count the stars. Imagine a world without the moon and stars. Oh, how we would miss them and all the glory they bring to the night sky. We are all so small. Our time is so short. It can be comforting to remember that.

A neighbor’s father said, “You only get so many fall seasons in your life. You have to treasure them.” You only get so many of the other seasons too, but fall definitely seems to capture our hearts, doesn’t it? To think, this blaze of colors, orange, red, yellow and brown, is nature’s way of saying goodbye. This is their end; each precious leaf falling to its demise, never to be seen again. It’s hard to not be in a sustained state of awe as our world transforms itself.

Look at your feet

A friend I knew when my sons were young had gone through a particularly bad period. Her therapist gave her this advice, to look at her feet, when she would be deep in the rabbit hole of anxiety and worry. “Look at your feet.” That is where you are. Stay there.

Call on your Higher Power

Say your prayers. Offer your intentions. Send your positive thoughts. Whatever it is you do, when you wish for something good to happen to other people, now is the time to exercise that activity. While I am a praying person, I am horribly inelegant in my prayers. “Make it stop” is a favorite I call on. “Send comfort!” is in my top 10 list. “Put more women in charge!” is always said. “Do your miracle working —PLEASE!” They are all 911 calls right now. Please let them be heard.