You are never supposed to say something about a person’s child, and I am hoping you understand I’m not speaking ill of your child. I like to think I am writing on behalf of your child. Let me explain:

Jerry is a genius

Prudence is wicked smart

Josie is brilliant

These are statements, using different names, that I have heard on multiple occasions from parents who are well-meaning but actually creating damage. The first damaging piece of those statements is the limited nature of them. Your child is more than one thing. Labeling them as this one thing gives them a tightrope to walk on the rest of their lives. If I succeed academically, I exist. If I struggle in any area, then who am I?

Adding on to that thought, we each NEED to be more than one thing, because we know getting into MENSA isn’t the only thing required of you as an adult. Especially in a technological age, where Google can provide every answer, your child needs so many more qualities.

The ability to collaborate and work as part of a team are consistently ranked as most needed criteria. The guy who knew the all the dates and locations of WWII battles no longer holds the same value in society. Knowledge is a commodity; what a person does with that knowledge is prized now.

I don’t know how to say this in a softer manner, so please understand I mean this kindly – yours isn’t the only one. My kids were educated in the Carrboro-Chapel Hill School System. It seemed every UNC and Duke professor and doctor sent their kids through these schools. At graduation, when they said, “and now, we will hear from our valedictorians,” a line formed. There were nearly twenty students who qualified as valedictorian. They were each given 90 seconds to speak. Each of their speeches were impressive.

The size of the pond in which your child swims is important. Our local university had two suicides in the last week. I don’t know the circumstances of their deaths, but we all know that if you were the smartest kid in your class in your small town, and then you go to a big university, it can be humbling. If your identity is built around your intelligence, it can be devastating.

A friend whose son went to Stanford told me that at orientation, the chancellor told the parents, “In about three weeks or so, your child will call you. They might be crying. They will tell you they don’t belong here.” Exactly to the day, her son called. He was a genius among other geniuses. I imagine it is quite jarring. I know you don’t want that for your child.

This may be the real heartbreaker for the parents of genius children: the world is run by B students. There is an old adage that the most successful people are B students who are leading companies founded by C and D students. Obviously, their gifts were not in the classroom. They may have high emotional intelligence. Think about it, who do you want to work for in your career? The smartest person or the person who wants to know and understand you so they can bring out the best in you? There’s that teamwork and collaboration I wrote about earlier.

So, we know building an identity around one thing is dangerous. We know we are surrounded by very bright people. We know academic success isn’t necessarily a marker for great success in life.  Why else shouldn’t you say that your child is a genius?

I know when I hear it, I feel a sense of sympathy for both the parent and the child. The parent clearly has a wound they hope their child’s academic performance will fill. They want their child to be this narcissistic extension bringing home glory that hopefully will reflect on the whole family.

I also feel sympathy for the child. They are hearing their value is wrapped up in their performance. Even worse, it is by a measure outside of their control. What happens when grading is subjective and they get a B? Who are they now?

Let’s just go with the idea that your child is a genius. What can you say that will build them up and not cause damage? What if the main criteria for how you compliment your child is to say things that are completely WITHIN their control? What if you said things like,

“I admire how Susie can stick with a problem even when it gets really frustrating.”

“Paul gets mountains of homework, but he is very good at prioritizing and methodically moving from one thing to the next.”

“Samantha can really think out of the box and come up with solutions that I never even considered.”

It doesn’t matter what pond you are in when these are the things you are told are good and important about you. You can bring your tenacity to Stanford. You can bring your organizational skills to Harvard. Princeton will welcome your creativity.

Genius is just too heavy a yoke to hang on your child.