Maladaptive is such a succinct word, and yet we are so creative in finding numerous ways to be maladaptive. “Mal,” if you remember as little as I do from high school French, you know it means bad. It also includes adaptive. It means the bad ways in which we adapt, and wow are we creative when it comes to being maladaptive.

Life is difficult, and we all form our coping mechanisms to muddle through. Some of those “mal” coping mechanisms end up making our problems even worse than when we started.

I’ve been thinking about this as I talk with my sons and try to help them with their adulting journey. Below is a list I’ve accumulated from my own maladaptive behaviors as well as those observed among my friends and family members. Please tell me any ones I may have missed.

1. Be perfect. Don’t let anyone know about your problems or your family’s. Maintain a perfect image. Feel isolated and alone all your life, but by God, everyone will think you were flawless.

 2. Don’t join anything. Joining clubs, teams, classes, etc., is for losers. You’re a lone wolf. You don’t need other people.

 3. Fixate on other people’s money. Try to figure out how much money they have by totaling how much they spent on their house and cars. Be obsessed with what others have.

4. Consume copious amounts of alcohol, a depressant, and wonder why you’re depressed.

 5. Decide you’re right about everything. Never consider other people’s opinions. Defend your beliefs until your face is red, and you are screaming. End relationships with people who aren’t exactly like you and who don’t agree with everything you say.

 6. Make your screens your best friends. Spend hours and hours each day looking at social media and then wonder why you’re lonely.

 7. Be a victim. Your life would be great if only you were in a better relationship, had the perfect job, lived in the right city or lost 20 pounds. You have no control over anything in your life. Make your happiness susceptible to the whims of others.

 8. Have an image to protect. Everyone thinks you lead a beautiful life, so make sure your social media feed is filled with your smiling face in exotic locales, driving expensive cars and drinking rare champagne.

 9. Stay cool. Don’t be enthusiastic or excited about anything. You’re too cool for that. It’s all just “You know, whatever.”

 10. Be entitled. Your life is SUPPOSED to be a certain way. Yes, others might have struggles or tough times, but those things shouldn’t happen to you. You are special. They are not.

 11. Avoid any and all confrontations. If someone is standing on your foot, grin and bear it. It’s rude to tell someone they have violated your boundaries or disappointed you. Build your castle of resentment.

 12. Nurse those grudges. You’ve certainly done nothing wrong in life but oh, have you been wronged. Remember each and every grievance and ruminate on them.

 13. Compete with everyone and dislike or find fault with people you can’t beat. Measure yourself constantly against others, and if they have more stuff, success, love or joy than you, look for reasons to criticize them.

 14. Believe this is all there is. Life is random. There’s no great plan in place. Why believe in one of those major faith traditions that have been around for thousands of years? What did those people, who relied on their faith to get through wars, famine and high infant mortality rates know? Faith is stupid. You know better.

 15. Stay safe. Don’t let yourself get burned again. Once one person has done you wrong, avoid relationships altogether. (This is me. I can tell you it will keep you safe but feeling alone.

16. Want a different life, but don’t do anything differently.

 17. Wait until you feel like doing something before doing it. Have no personal discipline in your routine with meditation, journaling, being in nature, exercise, etc. One of these days you’ll be in the mood for self-care, and you’ll do it then.

 18. Always wait for others to reach out to you. Never be the first to call or invite.

 19. Fight dirty. Don’t try to find a compromise while showing respect and compassion for your opponent. Call them names. Say “Shut up!” and “F**k you!” Make sure you win, even if it damages your relationship.

 20. You don’t need to learn anything new. Don’t sign up for any classes. You know all you need to know.

21. Eat lots of sugar, so you experience big crashes.

 22. Maintain a daily cannabis habit, so you keep yourself from being too motivated.

 23. Complain about your job, but don’t look for another position.

 24. Believe in the silver bullet theory. You are just one relationship, bathroom renovation, new car, etc. from a happy life.

 25. Commit to giant, drastic change in your life rather than small incremental change. Don’t take a weekend job to get out of debt, play the lottery instead. Don’t ask friends if they know anyone single, they could fix you up with, wait for a knock on the door, with Mr. or Ms. Right on the other side. Don’t try to build your skill set, because one day, you’re certain to sit next to someone starting a company who wants you as their VP.

 26. This is big one. In AA, they have an expression, “terminal uniqueness.” It’s the belief that your pain, suffering and challenges are unique. Others could never understand your special circumstances. They are so rare and extraordinary. This belief about our terminal uniqueness keeps us separate.

The actual truth is, pain is pain, suffering is suffering, challenges are challenges. It is one thing to be going through a tough time, it’s a whole other thing to believe you are the only one.

If you are in a group of friends where everything is always “great” and they are always “fine,” you need to find a friend, therapist, support group, bible study, or any other place where people gather to be honest with each other. I can promise you; you are not the only one.

Please don’t suffer in isolation. We can’t move from maladaptive to “bien adaptive” on our own. The difficult truth is we need connection – in relationships, with our world and within ourselves.

“We’re all just walking each other home.” Ram Dass