A therapist told me a story that happened when she was in training on the Isle of Man. A female patient was complaining to the doctor about her thoughts. “How can I stop these terrible thoughts? Please give me something to make them stop.” The doctor explained that our mood acts as a Google search for our thoughts. If we are in a sad mood, our mind looks for sad thoughts to match it. It works the same for when we are happy. We must always start by addressing the mood.

Spring has sprung here in North Carolina, and like many people during this season’s change, I am in a great mood, full of hope and positive anticipation for the season and upcoming summer – well, kind of. Personally, I am fine, but I’ve got these two very wonderful sons who have gone through some difficult periods lately. And as someone so aptly put it, a mother can only be as happy as her saddest child.

They are in their 20’s, and those are tumultuous years for most of us. It’s when the full spectrum of adulting hits, and it isn’t for the faint of heart. They are getting through it, and of course, I am trying to rush the process by unloading heaps of advice on them. When I sense an eyeroll coming, I enthusiastically try to capture their attention by saying “This is new and improved advice!”. Anne Lamott said, “Help is the sunny side of control.” I guess I am trying to make them happy, so I can be happy.

You might find this surprising, but I sometimes think they don’t enjoy hearing all my advice. Hard to imagine I know. Like so many parents of adult children, I just wish I could find a simple solution to fix it all. I hate to tell them it’s actually a lot of work to piece together a string of good days.

Ethan did encourage me to write some of my thoughts here. He suggested “they might help other people.” So, I’m using this space to share it with you in case you might find it helpful. While I don’t always practice what I preach, I do return, again and again, to these core beliefs when I find my self in a rough patch.

1. Don’t aim for happiness. Aim for contentment. Do you have sufficient food and drink? Can you manage the temperature of your surroundings? Do you have indoor plumbing? Do you have one or more people you can rely on to help you through this life? If you answered “yes” you are doing a great job. You are. That’s a lot. You can bask in contentment. It’s not happiness, but happiness can be exhausting; contentment fills you up.

 2. Are you getting enough water? Proper nutrition? Sleep? If you have answered “no” to any of these, I can promise you, things are not good right now. They can’t be. Don’t try to fix your life, career, relationships, etc., without first giving your body what it needs. Adulting is essentially parenting yourself. It requires you to provide the nutrition, bedtime, active time and down time a good parent would give their child. Be that good parent to yourself, even if you didn’t get one as a child. You know what you need. Let yourself have it.

 3. Your subconscious doesn’t understand sarcasm. Don’t speak aloud things you don’t want to happen. Your subconscious will listen to it and fulfill it for you. “I’m probably not going to get this job.” “I’m sure they won’t call.” “I’ll never get in shape.” Never. Never. Never say things like this. It’s better to say nothing. You don’t have to listen to me, but I promise this one’s true. As my friend, Lori says, “That’s why they call it spelling. Your words cast spells.”

 4. Along those same lines, really, really examine who you don’t like. If you hate really fit people, your subconscious will make sure such a thing doesn’t happen to you. If you hate successful people, your subconscious will prevent you from ever experiencing such a fate. This part of your brain is like a tab that is always open on your computer. Be careful what you put into it. Even if you struggle to say and think positive things, at least try to not say or think negative things.

 5. Your closet is your brain. If your closet and home are organized, your brain will be too. If your life is in disarray, start with your closet. Get it in order. Then move onto your bedroom, kitchen, etc. We can’t always control what life deals us, but we can control our response. Get your house in order, and your life will follow.

 6. Life isn’t fair. Oh my gosh, this fairness thing drove me crazy when my kids were younger. “That’s not fair!” they would exclaim. “Who told you life was fair?” I always asked. “Life is not fair. It never has been and never will be. Get over this notion of fairness.” My friend, Paula, used to say, “Fair is two weeks in October.” We have a State Fair here that runs two weeks in October. I always thought it was such a clever response.

 Where does this come from this belief in equity? It exists nowhere in society, and yet children seem to have an innate commitment to it. Life is not fair, but it can still be highly enjoyable. Joy has nothing to do with circumstances. It is an elusive feeling that can be cultivated. You can work towards joy. And yes, it is work. I really hate that. I wish there was some fairy dust we could buy at the store and sprinkle on our lives.

 7.Practice gratitude. I was a real doubter when it came to this idea of practicing gratitude. Come on. How do you practice it? It turns out, it is very doable. Even Oprah does it. My family of origin (parents and siblings) practiced gratitude in a strange but fairly common way.

  If a person was shot in the head, their response would be something like, “Thank God the bullet missed his eye by a millimeter.” I never understood this, because the person was actually shot in the head. Is there really any good news to share?

 The other thing my family did was to say, “At least you aren’t like Susie Jo over there who can’t even find a job.” These “at least” sentences were meant to compare our life circumstances to others less fortunate in order to make us grateful for whatever challenge we were facing.

 While these are back doors to gratitude, there is a front door, but we have to notice it. I did the thing where I wrote down five things, I was grateful for every day. This requires you to look, throughout the day, for these five things. I’m here to tell you, it works. You have to do it though. There’s no fairy dust.

 8. Move your body. Find something, anything, and do it for at least twenty minutes a day. Swim, bike, walk, yoga, push-ups, sit-ups, whatever. It doesn’t matter how busy a person you are, you have twenty minutes every day. You can keep this one promise to yourself pretty easily. Moving your body creates endorphins, and endorphins make you feel good, so if you want to feel good, move your body.

 9. Make your self-care list. Write it down. Consult it often. These are your quick fixes for when you feel yourself sliding into a bad place. By quick fixes, here are a few things on my self-care list – hot chocolate with marshmallows, listening to a podcast while walking, lighting a candle, buying a new book, talking to a friend, salad from Cava, a few games of online bridge and listening to my favorite music. You get it. None of these things are going to change my life, but they are like little love letters to myself just when I need it.

 10. Don’t bloom where you are planted. I really don’t like this expression. There are some places where it can be very difficult to bloom. I spent 11 of the loneliest years of my life in such a place. Sometimes you need to move or quit that job or drop that relationship. Seek out the life you want. Give people and places and jobs a chance but also be willing to leave. I give everything two years now. That’s a good amount of time to see if something is going to work.

This also keeps the locus of control inside your body. If the job is making you unhappy, quit the job. If the relationship is not a positive force in your life, leave it. Again, I’m stressing try, work on it, give it time but then be willing to leave. Happiness is an inside job. It’s up to you to create the life you want. Also, please pay attention to red flags. As Maya Angelou says, “when people show you who they are, believe them.”

 11. Examine your thoughts. Yes, I am talking about meditation. The reason meditation is so difficult in the beginning is because we didn’t know we have such lousy thoughts cursing through our minds. Sit quietly, watch your thoughts, and you will think of any reason to make it stop. That’s why they call it monkey mind. Your mind jumps from one thing to the next, and very often it isn’t choosing all the good moments but rather all the bad. That is why we learn to meditate, so we can be aware of all this nastiness going on inside us constantly and eventually choose different thoughts.

Anne Lamott said, “I thought such awful thoughts that I cannot say them out loud because they would make Jesus want to drink gin straight out of the cat dish.”

 12. Do something creative. Every human has within them the ability to create. It might be cooking, painting, decorating, writing, playing an instrument. Pick something. Be really bad at it. Let yourself be a beginner. Let yourself do it just for the sake of doing it. I promise it will feed your soul. Notebooks, canvases, brushes and paint aren’t expensive. Go to Michael’s and start a little project just for you. Creative activity is so important, because it gets your insides, especially the painful parts, outside of you.

 13. Social media. There is the world we live in, and there is this bizarre other world, which is the one we create for social media. So many young people spend more time in the latter than the former. Elizabeth Gilbert said “Social media makes me feel like I have a knife being held at my throat, and I’m the one holding the knife.”

Young people are experiencing high rates of depression and anxiety. What is the one prominent factor that is true for them but not true of previous generations? Social media. It can destroy a person. And yet, so many of us use it. It really depends on how you use it I suppose.

If you think the world people are creating on social media is true, you might compare and despair. I’m not suggesting they are lies, but I am telling you, it is their Sunday best. Just as it is your Sunday best and my Sunday best. I posted a picture one day of pure happiness and great times. By the time evening rolled around, an explosion had gone off, and things were very, very bad. No, I didn’t take the post down, nor did I post a retraction. We all show only our best on social media. It isn’t a full picture of our lives. It’s important to remember that.

 14. Nature is home base. In the worst of circumstances, nature will replenish you. A dear friend was dealing with a very difficult cancer prognosis. “I’m only calm when I’m in nature,” she shared. It’s the most real thing you can experience in a world of unreality. A tree, a flower, a dirt path, they are all sufficient unto themselves, and they can provide you with that same feeling of fulfillment. It’s okay, you are okay, it’s going to be okay.

 These living things die off each year. More than anything else, they can teach us resilience,  tranquility and ultimately, acceptance. Right now, you can trust the ocean’s waves to be rolling in, and that continuous abiding presence can hold your feet more solidly on the earth. Go for a walk in nature. If you are really drained, just go sit in it.

 15. Find your higher power. Believe there is a benevolent force looking over your life, wanting the best for you. This isn’t all some random accident. Even Steve Jobs, on his deathbed, uttered these final words, “Wow, wow, wow!” There really is a plan for your life, and it is a good plan. It isn’t easy, but all things will work together for good. Believe in beauty from ashes.

Have an honest relationship with your higher power. You don’t have be all “thouest” and “if so desireth.” Talk as though you believe they are listening. I think so many of us were brought up in some horrible faith traditions. I know I was told to not to bother God, because God should be helping starving children, not me. What a limited view they had, as though God can only do one thing at a time.

I share my joy, anger, frustration, disappointment, love, happiness and peace with God. Find a higher power strong enough to handle all of you. It’s too lonely doing this life without one.

 16. Expect 50% of your life to be spent in negative emotions. Yes, half your life will be lived in sadness, frustration, disappointment, anger, bitterness and or resentment. Set your expectations accordingly. A bad day is just a bad day. A bad mood is just a bad mood. It’s okay to have them. Everyone does.

 It doesn’t mean you’re doing this life thing wrong. Don’t fear or reject these negative emotions. They are as much a part of you as all the good stuff. Your left arm isn’t more important than your right arm. It’s all you. Let each part of you exist.

 The really unfortunate news is, sometimes those negative emotions get clumped together for long periods of time. There is no need to suffer alone. Seek help. Get a therapist. Why live in pain longer than is necessary?

 17. Living isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. No matter how bad things are right now, they will get better. I don’t know how or why, but it’s true. A friend from Chapel Hill who is a therapist said “The body continues to move towards healing.” Your body is doing everything in its power to make you okay. You can trust that. You could also help it along by following numbers 1 through 16 above.

 What I most want to share with my sons is the importance of connection. We can do so many things to help ourselves, and we can do many of them on our own. Ultimately though, we are healed through connection. It’s our relationships that make us feel whole. We must foster them and celebrate them. For some reason, we have each been chosen to participate as human beings on this earth at this appointed hour.

We are supposed to be working all of our issues out with each other, and there isn’t one among us who doesn’t have issues. Practice kindness, compassion and empathy with your fellow man. Have a couple of friends you can call when you are feeling petty and complainy, but make sure they are people who lift you out of the mud, not push you deeper into it.

Try to like people, although they will make it hard at times. Look for the good. Speak kindly to others, but most importantly, let the voice inside your head be one that grants that same kindness, compassion and empathy towards yourself. That voice is going to be with you your whole life. Make sure it’s nice to you.

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” -Buddha