I heard if you approach a child who is multi-lingual, he will inherently know which language to speak to you. Apparently, we each have a part of our brain that can make these lightning quick decisions and be accurate. I have been relying on this part of my brain recently, as I have navigated a very difficult time.

These past few weeks have been very challenging for me, and like that child, I felt I knew who I could share the situation with and who would be helpful to me. While the people I really lean on in these times are few, I have found friendships exist on a spectrum. Each varietal has its own particular value.

In thinking of these various forms of friendship, it seems as though there aren’t good or bad friend types; they are just different. Below is the list I’ve compiled, so far, of these different types. I’ve also included the types that may appear as friends but given enough time, reveal themselves to be not so.

The work/project friend

They are a good work/project friend if they show up when they say they are going to show up. They fulfill the part they are supposed to play. They demonstrate the same level of care you do. It doesn’t matter what their political beliefs are, what they did this past weekend, where they live or anything outside of the work/project. It’s nice if you get along, but you are mostly concerned with getting the job done.

The hobby friend

You might enjoy quilting, golf, tennis, running or cooking with this friend. You have this one thing, in common, that is really important to both of you. Conversations are usually about this topic. Maybe you know about their kids or where they work, but it’s all pretty superficial. You meet up because of this one shared interest, and that is pretty much the heart and soul of the relationship.

Friend of a family member

 Maybe they are your partner’s friend or the parent to your child’s friend. Maybe they are your spouse’s roommate from college. They aren’t specifically your friend, but you enjoy their company. You think they are a good person. You are happy to do things with them, but the real relationship is based on another family member.

The proximate friend

This person lives on your street. They work in the next cubicle. They have kids at the same school. They will lend you a cup of sugar, take your kids to bowling practice or lend you their stapler. The relationship is steady, predictable, based exclusively on them being in a similar geographic location. It’s convenient.

The old friend

This person knew you very well during an earlier time in your life. It’s as though you share the same root system but grew into different trees. You speak the same language and understand each other in a very deep way. Your paths diverged though, and your worlds sometimes don’t or cannot meet.

It might be okay to see them one on one or talk on the phone, but they don’t hang out with your current friends and you don’t with theirs. You know one version of each other, and you may need to be that version to maintain equilibrium.

Your party friend

This is the friend you think of when you want your try a new restaurant or go to an event. They are fun, up for anything and are great to spend time with and form memories. You really like this friend and enjoy your time with them. They want to be there for you when things are good. With them, you bring your positive, happy self. They can serve as a wonderful distraction in difficult times.

The common problem friend

This person shares a similar challenge with you. Maybe it’s a bad job, or you are both going through a divorce. Maybe you each have a child with a similar challenge. What you have in common is your common problem. You can dump on them. They can dump on you. You understand each other. It’s a chronic problem maybe, but sometimes, when it’s acute, this is the first person you call.

The cognitive processor

You really value this person’s intellect, problem-solving skills and their ability to strategize and help you think through a situation. You don’t call this person crying. They don’t want to do deal with big emotional stuff. They want to support you by developing a plan.

The soul friend

I struggle to come up with a proper name for this type of friend. I have a few, and you really only need one. It seems this person has a vision for you and your life in their heart. They so want the best for you that they will call you on it when you aren’t living up to your fullest potential.

You know concern for your well-being exists within them, because they ask you questions. They follow up. They send encouragement. You don’t have to remind them of what you are going through. They remember the details very clearly.

They are fun, thoughtful, wise and great listeners. They won’t agree with you just to make you feel better. They have an ability to call forth the person you want to be. They lift you out of the muck of pettiness and inspire you.

They are the human embodiment of the Book of Ecclesiastes. They know all your seasons and appreciate each, because that is what makes you, well you. Curtis Sittenfeld, in her book, PREP, describes this type of friendship, “As cutting sorrow in half and doubling joy.” I can only hope to be a fraction as helpful and supportive to my soul friends.

As important as it is to know who you are friends are and the various roles they play in your life, I find it equally important to know who really isn’t your friend. The list of people who may appear as friends, but aren’t, comes from many conversations with various friends and not necessarily my own experience.

The taker/guest

This group is commonly called the takers. A kinder term might be guests. They are very good guests. They will always show up. You will have a great time with them. It will feel like friendship. It isn’t though. You are the host, and they are the guests. If you need something, their guest wall will go up very quickly. This is a transactional relationship.

You are the giver, and they are the taker. A friend is currently in active host mode with a guest who she has mistaken for a friend. This guest of hers is a taker extraordinaire. My friend doesn’t know how to stop giving. Takers find givers. If my friend stops hosting this person, she will drift away in search of another giver.

This friend and I have had many conversations about how the pandemic really gave the givers of the world a break. They didn’t host, organize or invite, because they couldn’t. They had gotten used to always giving, and given this break, might be reevaluating some of the relationships in their lives.

The lamenter

If you are a good listener, you will find yourself in this situation. It’s okay until it goes too far. Your role is to listen to the problems of someone who wants to lament them. You are a good person; you want to lend support, but then you realize, the only time you hear from this person, is when they want to bend your ear.

If you change the subject and mention anything about yourself, they will immediately course correct the conversation back to them. They have absolutely no self-awareness. They really believe you want to listen to them for hours. This can be an example of secondary gain. They have a problem in their life, and the problem allows them to make themselves the center of attention by talking about it, hence the gain.

This can appear to be a very close, intimate friendship, until it is you who has a problem. They may not show up to support you in the same way. That is when you know you have a lamenter.

The clever narcissist

This person might be funny or have great stories or just bring a big, bouncy energy. They are fun to be around, but the conversation must be rooted in them and their life. They might make you laugh and add excitement to an event, but they are not really interested in you, your experience or your feelings. Still, they can be a fun companion.

The helpless narcissist

This person calls for advice, for help, to get your thoughts about a problem. You are happy to help. You listen, offer your thoughts and think maybe they have found their answer. The problem could be as mundane as which shoes to buy or whether or not to wallpaper a powder room. It could be as serious as what to do with their sister who is an addict or their child who is struggling in school.

You spend hours discussing the situation, helping them deal with their emotions and formulate a plan. A couple months go by. You ask if they bought the shoes. No, they never got them. They also did nothing with their powder room. The situations with the sister and the child are the same. What they did accomplish though was keeping you in an hours-long conversations devoted exclusively to them. They aren’t grandiose as we usually think of narcissists but are just as self-absorbed.

The information gatherer

I almost didn’t include this person, because they are so clearly not your friend. They can be sneaky though. They will call, text and email with support. They might even send a gift. Beware though, because they just want to get in close to you, get the details of your situation, and then use it as currency. They are gossips. They are dangerous. Stay away.

 The common theme in all these not friendships is imbalance. The relationship is tipped towards the other person. You can determine what type of friendship you have by talking about yourself or something you might be struggling with at the time. If they respond with a “yeah….” Or a sigh or they change the subject, or worse, they say your problem reminds them of one of theirs, well you know what you have. Unfortunately, it’s usually when you are most vulnerable that you find you have some “not friends.”

A very wise woman, a soul friend, said to me, “There are great friends who show up before a death, and there are great friends who show up after a death. Very often, they are not the same people.” We can’t be all things to all people. If you are lucky enough to have formed an arsenal of friendships, with at least one soul friend, well, then you are lucky enough.