“You only mature to the age your addiction starts,” the counselor told my friend whose son was in the rehabilitation facility. I’ve been thinking about that quote quite a bit. I was most interested in how to quantify maturity. It seems easy to recognize immaturity, but true maturity has qualities that are difficult to measure.

I can express them in opposition to my own immaturity. My friend, Lori, and I were discussing this. I said, “you know if someone says or does something really stupid, there are those really mature people who graciously skip past it and never mention it to anyone? I am not one of those people. I have to say, “you won’t believe what she did!” to at least one person.

There are only a few people with whom I share my most childish moments, observations and immature thoughts, so that might be a sign of maturity. I suppose the less people who see you act like a teenager means there are more who see your wise, mature side.

One of my favorite authors, Richard Rohr, recently wrote about second half of life maturity. He said, “our concern is not so much to have what we love anymore, but to love what we have – right now.” That is a mic drop moment. Sure, there will always be something we would like to have, but is it possible to find contentment or even happiness right now?

You Have to Have it All to Know it Isn’t Everything

On Glennon Doyle’s podcast recently, she and her wife, Abby Wombach, and sister, Amanda, were discussing happiness. Many might say, “They have it all.” They have health, great success, financial reward and loving family. Seemingly, all of their needs are met and then some.

Glennon said, and I am paraphrasing, “that’s the thing about having it all, you find out it doesn’t make you happy, but you have to actually have it all to know that.” How many people think if they just get a new kitchen, they would be happy? For me, there is always some article of clothing or boots that I believe might hold the key to it all. What’s remarkable is, I tend to wear joggers and sweatshirts. Go figure.

Gratitude as the antidote

A few years ago, a friend, Pam, lost her husband after a long battle with a disease. He was able to enjoy a good life until the very last year. His funeral was packed. Anyone who spoke to Pam heard a similar refrain: she was just so thankful. She was so thankful he was her husband. She was thankful for all their years together and all the memories they created. Not a sad word came from her lips, only gratitude. Is that what is needed to get us through our darkest hours after a loss?

My friend, Karen, lost her mom this past year. There are moms who are nouns, and there are moms who take up the mantel of mothering as a verb. Her mom was the verb. I just sat with a man who lost his adult son to cancer and a woman whose brother died from the same cancer. A neighbor lost her sister to cancer. I could go on, but I know you have your own litany.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow. The holidays just gut you when a loved one has died. For Karen, the man and woman I was sitting with, my neighbor and anyone hoping to just get through this holiday season, I pray you find comfort in your memories, in the time, albeit too short, you had with them. There is a beautiful Buddhist chant, “Om shanti shanti shanti.” It’s an invocation of peace – the words for when there are no words.

Cultivating Gratitude

Several years ago, I did the gratitude journal thing. Every night, before I went to sleep, I wrote five things I was grateful for that happened that day. It is definitely true you can grow your gratitude. The exercise made me look for things that were right, instead of things that were wrong. It turns out, that isn’t my brains natural inclination.

One of my resolutions for 2023 was to not add to the negativity already in the world. Let’s just say it’s been an exercise in mindfulness. I can’t tell you how often I have been tempted to add to the negativity whether it was though words, thoughts or actions. Being more positive is somewhat exhausting.

I definitely did succumb but was very aware of when I did. I would do my math calculation in my head and decide it was worth it. I did hold back about 80% of the negativity I really wanted to spew. That’s progress. Clearly, I am carrying this resolution into 2024 and hope I can reduce my negative emissions by 90%.

A Personal Note

I write these entries, because I find writing helps me make sense of things that I just don’t understand. Ultimately though, I am writing for connection. I can’t tell you how much it means to me when you message me or tell me in person something I wrote was meaningful to you. Both writing and reading really are wonderful ways to make you feel less alone.

My editor extraordinaire, Speed Hallman, is enjoying Thanksgiving with his family, three of whom recently moved back to the States. One of those three is a grandchild, so you know they are loving this particular Thanksgiving. I share this with you, because I didn’t want to bother him, but that might mean there are errors I didn’t catch here. Speed always asks, “do you have a thing against contractions?” To which I respond, “I do not.”

Best wishes for a happy and memorable Thanksgiving holiday.